Regardless of who we are, we want role models who not only represent who we may become, but who look like we do. It is often not enough to have role models who merely share the same ethnicity, but who remind us of ourselves. Role models must come in every form to reflect the cosmetic look of all of society. Recently, the modeling world has come under fire for relentlessly pushing models whose physical appearances do not accurately reflect the general population. The general population is not extremely thin, blond haired with perfect teeth. We have flaws that do not come close to the images identified as the ideal. As a matter of fact, recent reports suggest that the flawless features exhibited by the models on magazine covers are not real. These "flawed" models have been air brushed or "digitally" manipulated to remove the bags under their eyes or the freckles on their face.
Images that help the self-esteem of individuals are the ones that society cries out for. Recently, a friend who has been in the woman's retail industry for numerous years revealed that the fashion industry popularizes and makes specific sizes for women in keeping the myths going. Consequently, if you are sizes 12-14 the industry popularizes sizes 6-8. This is tantamount to the "guess your weight game" at amusement parks. No matter what you do, the correct weight is illusive, because it is the ideal that is being sold, not the style!
It is natural for our ideals to be reflected in others. As social beings, we gather much of our motivation from the examples of others. One day we may believe something is impossible to accomplish, the next day someone has done the impossible. It gives us more hope when that person looks like us. This ideal crosses ethnicity. Brunettes want to marvel at the feats of other brunettes. Blonds want the same for other blonds. Dark skinned Blacks want to see other dark skinned Blacks accomplishing great things. We are specific in our affinities. The days of generalities are gone. Society has grown to the point where our desires are detailed. However, it is not necessary that we follow the same people we admire. There is no need to become a model because people say you look like a supermodel. If you are 6'6" and resemble Michael Jordan that doesn’t mean your aspirations should be to play basketball. Role models inspire us to strive for more, but we need not aspire for the exact same things they do.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Friday, September 4, 2009
Charisma & What I Learned In Elementary School That Changed My Life About Looks and Confidence!
Many of the challenges our youth face today are no different than the ones I faced growing up. The idea of peer pressure and fitting in is not a new phenomenon, although perhaps heightened by the omnipresence of the media. At the personal level, the same games played on the playground in elementary school are played in all stages of life. Being shy and introverted, I witnessed the social dynamics that go on with those deemed desirable versus those defined as "not happening." I grew up in New Haven, Connecticut, which would be described as the "hood" or a community predominated by Blacks. The power plays that go on in such a community are phenomenal. The family that had the most members wielded more power and control over families with lesser numbers. There were only two of us, which put me at the bottom of the totem pole. Consequently, the youngest in another family could bully me, because they had brothers who were older and bigger than I. If I were to fight the bully and win, I would be running from one of the older brothers until revenge was exacted. Coupled with the fact that I was not "cool" made for a frightful time.
My brother and I were reared by my mother and grandmother who were strict disciplinarians. We had to be in the bed every night at 8:30PM on school nights. While we were in bed, we could hear the kids we played with outside. They had to get up the next day for school also! The seemingly "cool" behavior of doing your own thing without discipline became valued in the community and trickled over to what the neighborhood saw as desirable. There was a tough demeanor that went along with this behavior, because it took on seemingly adult behavior that made them grow up faster than they should have. Many were getting high from marijuana and having sex. We were still in elementary school. I felt like a kitten in a jungle of lions and tigers. I was doing regular childhood things like playing football, baseball, and basketball. I had a paper route, got good grades, and won awards for "Perfect Attendance". I did everything right according to the rules. However, these are not the values of the "hood". Girls liked the rough and unruly types (the guys who defied any semblance of authority). The only girls who liked me were the ones who the cool guys did not want. If the girls had their choice, they would have had the cool guys. The girls would play a game that I hated called "who's the cutest boy in the class?" They would name all of the hunks and agree that each person they named qualified. They would say, "What about Eddie?" then emphatically say "naaaah". I was crushed! This scenario played out through high school. I went to high school with drug dealers and gangsters before the standard became "keeping it real."
By this time, I was respected among the honor students, but was still afraid of the gangsters (unruly students). Imagine being cool around the "bookworms" and a "nerd" among the cool guys. Surprisingly, I thought I was attractive. The girls apparently did not! I was still being picked by the girls who liked me rather than the ones I wanted. I decided around my senior year of high school that I would reinvent myself!
I committed myself to becoming the ultimate male. As a shy person, you observe a lot in your environment. I noticed what girls found attractive and went on a relentless course to become those things, which trickled into adulthood. The criteria changed as I got older, but many stayed the same. I determined that girls and women wanted:
· Good looks
· Big muscles
· Confidence
· The ability to protect them
· Street smarts
· Quick wit and the “gift of gab”
· Charm
· A degree of roughness mixed with sensitivity
· The ability to take care of oneself
· Inner strength
· Job stability
· Take charge person
I decided I would be all of these things so I could create and regulate my agenda. You are either working your master plan or someone else's. I’ve worked out (physically) since I was twelve years old. My mother bought me my first barbell weight set. I did mostly arm curls and that's what developed first. I maintained that regimen throughout my teenage years and continued with a more advanced program later. I liked school and books so I read more to be able to engage women in stimulating conversation. Women are seduced first through the mind and everything follows from there. Many men believe the reverse is true -- that if you solely satisfy a woman sexually that will keep her interested. With a library card, any man can become well read and intellectually stimulating. I find that reading philosophy, history, and sociology equips me to deal with the psyche of individuals. As humans, we are not as complex if we know how to read the background of individuals. For example, if we listened to people describe their childhood experiences, we could gauge why that person feels and acts as he does as an adult. Read the script that a person has read since childhood and you will know where his story leads. The more you read, the more you are able to follow the modes of thinking within individuals.
I developed my own style of dressing. It followed what was trendy at the time, but always with a twist. I remember in high school wearing a black shiny windbreaker reminiscent of Michael Jackson's "Beat It" jacket. I would wear a turtleneck shirt under my windbreaker and roll the jacket sleeves up so the shirt would show. I also wore a fake gold necklace, cuff pants, and suede Pro Keds sneakers. (Michael Jackson had not come out with the "Beat It" jacket yet or rolled up sleeves…he was still with the Jackson Five at the time.) I developed my own style of dressing that was uniquely mine, but not outlandish.
The difference between what I see in our youth today and my generation is that we developed our own sense of style around what was happening at the time. We did not follow a "cookie cutter" approach of everyone being and looking the same. The older you get, the more you should develop an air of distinction in your clothing taste. I do not condone individuals being stuck in a time zone. Our style should reflect our individual evolution as well as what is current or classic. As an independent individual, you have the right to wear what you like, but your nonverbal communication is saying something to the world about who and where you are and people will respond in kind. I read a book on classic clothing for men where I learned the optimum fabrics for suits. The bottom button on a vest and suit jacket should remain unbuttoned. I watch what the popular news anchormen wear to gauge what colors are popular and how to accessorize an outfit. Sometimes, I buy exactly what they are wearing if I think it would look good on me or copy the style and make it my own. As social beings, we are supposed to learn from each other. If everything stems from culture, none of this is etched in stone anyway and serves as a means of communication. If you want to convey a certain style, learn to communicate what you desire through the language of clothing.
I believe many of my friends are attractive is because I am defined as attractive. We gravitate towards people who reflect who we are. Consequently, individuals who have been labeled attractive move towards others deemed attractive. The exception is when an attractive person has low self- esteem and consciously seeks out people deemed less attractive only to make themselves feel good by comparison. Attractive people gravitating towards other attractive people may be conscious or subconscious. It is like being in an unspoken club where there is an unwritten understanding that we all fit what is desirable in society. Do not expect anyone to admit it. Is this superficial? Maybe! This is part of the process some people go through before they can evolve to their higher self. This mindless maze can go on well into adulthood and is heightened by a society that exalts beauty. It is a shallow cultural concept that influences everything from the clothes we wear to the car we drive. Everything is marketing…and the better it is done, the more desirable it is.
Part of being attractive is commensurate with how much confidence you have developed. It is essential that you believe that you are "hot." One of my mistakes as a child is that I suffered from low self- esteem. I did not know it then, because I felt like my preoccupation with my looks was healthy. In retrospect, the girls did not merely choose the boys who were attractive solely because of looks, but also because they were confident. The cool guys had confidence. Whether their discipline or lack there of was effective, they believed in what they were portraying. Many of them went down the wrong road of drugs and alcohol, but at the time, you could not tell that they were not desirable. I felt that I did not have enough going for me based on what the community valued to reinforce being confident. Remember, books and listening to your parents weren't cool. I never drank alcohol nor took drugs, what did I have to brag about? This was another addition to my reinvention, because I knew enough about human nature that my lifestyle would at some point be revered. Do not get me wrong, I felt like an outcast when I was growing up around this behavior and seemingly the only one not doing it. As I became focused on having life on my terms, I determined that those vices would hurt them and redeem me as the tables turned.
Sure enough, after I graduated from college, the status quo changed. The pretty girls in high school were having babies out of wedlock by several different men. They no longer had their "hour glass" figures. The cool guys were burned out by life and were heading nowhere. The change was drastic and in a short period of time. Soon the girls who had rejected me were seeing me in a different light. It was like I had come of age and suddenly they were interested in me. By then, I really did not like them nor see them as desirable, but the pain I had received from them caused me to have my way with them out of spite. I did not know that I was acting out of pain. I was merely paying them back for the way I was treated for trying to live my life uprightly. After all, why should they be pitied? Were they not the ones who chose the destructive path? That is how I felt at the subconscious level, but I really wasn't that cruel. My pain wanted to be vindicated, but I did not wish nor want to harm anyone. I was always connected-spiritually.
As I grew older, my transformation took shape. I never had much materially, but I made the best of what was available to me. As long as you are ambitious, possess some attractiveness, and are articulate, you can fit in almost anywhere you desire. I was driven to be the best and was considered an "overachiever" by society. My relationships with women suffered, because I did not trust their motives. Women seemed not to possess loyalty opting to go with the first pretty face they saw. In fact, I seemed to always find a flaw in them that turned me off. They were slightly overweight, had skinny legs, did not have an education, hung out too much, cried too much, etc… Subconsciously, I was looking for the perfect woman or the one I thought was perfect for me. I had reinvented myself to be the perfect man, so the flaws I saw had to be hers, not mine. It is true that what you fear the most persists in your life. Almost without exception, my belief in the disloyalty of women led me to find them in compromising positions. I could always say, "I knew they could not be trusted." There are no voices of reason with irrational values. Everyone is reading from the same cosmetic script. The attractive individuals who utter what is politically correct are not convincing, because they don't really believe it themselves. Who in their right mind would say, "I am attractive and I believe the world revolves around me?" That's a whole new level of charisma and confidence.
My brother and I were reared by my mother and grandmother who were strict disciplinarians. We had to be in the bed every night at 8:30PM on school nights. While we were in bed, we could hear the kids we played with outside. They had to get up the next day for school also! The seemingly "cool" behavior of doing your own thing without discipline became valued in the community and trickled over to what the neighborhood saw as desirable. There was a tough demeanor that went along with this behavior, because it took on seemingly adult behavior that made them grow up faster than they should have. Many were getting high from marijuana and having sex. We were still in elementary school. I felt like a kitten in a jungle of lions and tigers. I was doing regular childhood things like playing football, baseball, and basketball. I had a paper route, got good grades, and won awards for "Perfect Attendance". I did everything right according to the rules. However, these are not the values of the "hood". Girls liked the rough and unruly types (the guys who defied any semblance of authority). The only girls who liked me were the ones who the cool guys did not want. If the girls had their choice, they would have had the cool guys. The girls would play a game that I hated called "who's the cutest boy in the class?" They would name all of the hunks and agree that each person they named qualified. They would say, "What about Eddie?" then emphatically say "naaaah". I was crushed! This scenario played out through high school. I went to high school with drug dealers and gangsters before the standard became "keeping it real."
By this time, I was respected among the honor students, but was still afraid of the gangsters (unruly students). Imagine being cool around the "bookworms" and a "nerd" among the cool guys. Surprisingly, I thought I was attractive. The girls apparently did not! I was still being picked by the girls who liked me rather than the ones I wanted. I decided around my senior year of high school that I would reinvent myself!
I committed myself to becoming the ultimate male. As a shy person, you observe a lot in your environment. I noticed what girls found attractive and went on a relentless course to become those things, which trickled into adulthood. The criteria changed as I got older, but many stayed the same. I determined that girls and women wanted:
· Good looks
· Big muscles
· Confidence
· The ability to protect them
· Street smarts
· Quick wit and the “gift of gab”
· Charm
· A degree of roughness mixed with sensitivity
· The ability to take care of oneself
· Inner strength
· Job stability
· Take charge person
I decided I would be all of these things so I could create and regulate my agenda. You are either working your master plan or someone else's. I’ve worked out (physically) since I was twelve years old. My mother bought me my first barbell weight set. I did mostly arm curls and that's what developed first. I maintained that regimen throughout my teenage years and continued with a more advanced program later. I liked school and books so I read more to be able to engage women in stimulating conversation. Women are seduced first through the mind and everything follows from there. Many men believe the reverse is true -- that if you solely satisfy a woman sexually that will keep her interested. With a library card, any man can become well read and intellectually stimulating. I find that reading philosophy, history, and sociology equips me to deal with the psyche of individuals. As humans, we are not as complex if we know how to read the background of individuals. For example, if we listened to people describe their childhood experiences, we could gauge why that person feels and acts as he does as an adult. Read the script that a person has read since childhood and you will know where his story leads. The more you read, the more you are able to follow the modes of thinking within individuals.
I developed my own style of dressing. It followed what was trendy at the time, but always with a twist. I remember in high school wearing a black shiny windbreaker reminiscent of Michael Jackson's "Beat It" jacket. I would wear a turtleneck shirt under my windbreaker and roll the jacket sleeves up so the shirt would show. I also wore a fake gold necklace, cuff pants, and suede Pro Keds sneakers. (Michael Jackson had not come out with the "Beat It" jacket yet or rolled up sleeves…he was still with the Jackson Five at the time.) I developed my own style of dressing that was uniquely mine, but not outlandish.
The difference between what I see in our youth today and my generation is that we developed our own sense of style around what was happening at the time. We did not follow a "cookie cutter" approach of everyone being and looking the same. The older you get, the more you should develop an air of distinction in your clothing taste. I do not condone individuals being stuck in a time zone. Our style should reflect our individual evolution as well as what is current or classic. As an independent individual, you have the right to wear what you like, but your nonverbal communication is saying something to the world about who and where you are and people will respond in kind. I read a book on classic clothing for men where I learned the optimum fabrics for suits. The bottom button on a vest and suit jacket should remain unbuttoned. I watch what the popular news anchormen wear to gauge what colors are popular and how to accessorize an outfit. Sometimes, I buy exactly what they are wearing if I think it would look good on me or copy the style and make it my own. As social beings, we are supposed to learn from each other. If everything stems from culture, none of this is etched in stone anyway and serves as a means of communication. If you want to convey a certain style, learn to communicate what you desire through the language of clothing.
I believe many of my friends are attractive is because I am defined as attractive. We gravitate towards people who reflect who we are. Consequently, individuals who have been labeled attractive move towards others deemed attractive. The exception is when an attractive person has low self- esteem and consciously seeks out people deemed less attractive only to make themselves feel good by comparison. Attractive people gravitating towards other attractive people may be conscious or subconscious. It is like being in an unspoken club where there is an unwritten understanding that we all fit what is desirable in society. Do not expect anyone to admit it. Is this superficial? Maybe! This is part of the process some people go through before they can evolve to their higher self. This mindless maze can go on well into adulthood and is heightened by a society that exalts beauty. It is a shallow cultural concept that influences everything from the clothes we wear to the car we drive. Everything is marketing…and the better it is done, the more desirable it is.
Part of being attractive is commensurate with how much confidence you have developed. It is essential that you believe that you are "hot." One of my mistakes as a child is that I suffered from low self- esteem. I did not know it then, because I felt like my preoccupation with my looks was healthy. In retrospect, the girls did not merely choose the boys who were attractive solely because of looks, but also because they were confident. The cool guys had confidence. Whether their discipline or lack there of was effective, they believed in what they were portraying. Many of them went down the wrong road of drugs and alcohol, but at the time, you could not tell that they were not desirable. I felt that I did not have enough going for me based on what the community valued to reinforce being confident. Remember, books and listening to your parents weren't cool. I never drank alcohol nor took drugs, what did I have to brag about? This was another addition to my reinvention, because I knew enough about human nature that my lifestyle would at some point be revered. Do not get me wrong, I felt like an outcast when I was growing up around this behavior and seemingly the only one not doing it. As I became focused on having life on my terms, I determined that those vices would hurt them and redeem me as the tables turned.
Sure enough, after I graduated from college, the status quo changed. The pretty girls in high school were having babies out of wedlock by several different men. They no longer had their "hour glass" figures. The cool guys were burned out by life and were heading nowhere. The change was drastic and in a short period of time. Soon the girls who had rejected me were seeing me in a different light. It was like I had come of age and suddenly they were interested in me. By then, I really did not like them nor see them as desirable, but the pain I had received from them caused me to have my way with them out of spite. I did not know that I was acting out of pain. I was merely paying them back for the way I was treated for trying to live my life uprightly. After all, why should they be pitied? Were they not the ones who chose the destructive path? That is how I felt at the subconscious level, but I really wasn't that cruel. My pain wanted to be vindicated, but I did not wish nor want to harm anyone. I was always connected-spiritually.
As I grew older, my transformation took shape. I never had much materially, but I made the best of what was available to me. As long as you are ambitious, possess some attractiveness, and are articulate, you can fit in almost anywhere you desire. I was driven to be the best and was considered an "overachiever" by society. My relationships with women suffered, because I did not trust their motives. Women seemed not to possess loyalty opting to go with the first pretty face they saw. In fact, I seemed to always find a flaw in them that turned me off. They were slightly overweight, had skinny legs, did not have an education, hung out too much, cried too much, etc… Subconsciously, I was looking for the perfect woman or the one I thought was perfect for me. I had reinvented myself to be the perfect man, so the flaws I saw had to be hers, not mine. It is true that what you fear the most persists in your life. Almost without exception, my belief in the disloyalty of women led me to find them in compromising positions. I could always say, "I knew they could not be trusted." There are no voices of reason with irrational values. Everyone is reading from the same cosmetic script. The attractive individuals who utter what is politically correct are not convincing, because they don't really believe it themselves. Who in their right mind would say, "I am attractive and I believe the world revolves around me?" That's a whole new level of charisma and confidence.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
The Science of Charisma
Sir Isaac Newton's Third Law Of Motion says for every action there is an equal and opposite re-action. Energy is neither lost nor destroyed, merely transferred from one state to the next. This notion correlates with the energy/passion of charismatic leaders. Through the passionate energy of charismatic communicators, one is moved to heights of exhilaration and action or repelled by the seemingly idiocy of the emotionally expressed message. Nevertheless, an emotion is being elicited by the charismatic. Eminent communication expert, Albert Mehrabian, Professor Emeritus of Psychology, UCLA stated:
-7% of message pertaining to feelings and attitudes is in the words that are spoken.
-38% of message pertaining to feelings and attitudes is paralinguistic (the way that the words are said).
-55% of message pertaining to feelings and attitudes is in facial expression.
The emotional momentum created by charismatic communications mixed with the non-verbal affects of effective communication is a recipe for why charismatics are able to persuade and influence so effectively. If this is part of human "hard wiring," it behooves aspiring charismatics to use the science of energy and effective communication to bend the world to her will.
For more information, visit: Charisma
-7% of message pertaining to feelings and attitudes is in the words that are spoken.
-38% of message pertaining to feelings and attitudes is paralinguistic (the way that the words are said).
-55% of message pertaining to feelings and attitudes is in facial expression.
The emotional momentum created by charismatic communications mixed with the non-verbal affects of effective communication is a recipe for why charismatics are able to persuade and influence so effectively. If this is part of human "hard wiring," it behooves aspiring charismatics to use the science of energy and effective communication to bend the world to her will.
For more information, visit: Charisma
Monday, August 24, 2009
The Indispensability of Charisma
On August 12, 2000, my father died. But before he passed, he revealed some hard-won secrets to how, through his charisma, he was able to live life on his terms. When I say that my father had enormous charisma, it doesn't come from a doting, overly idealistic son. No, he consistently had scores of men and women around him feeding on his every word. The singers of the R& B group, Temptations, were regular guests at his home. And he had a bit part in the 1972 Blockbuster film, Superfly. It would not have been unusual for him to hold court with the likes of Adam Clayton Powell in New York City nor Shirley Chisholm as she ran for the presidency of the United States. When I speak of his charisma, I would say it was UNREAL, if I hadn't witnessed it for myself.
In retrospect, it was the result of a carefully cultivated personality, but moreover, it was a result of earlier experiences fraught with pain. Whether you are a child trying to fit in with peers or an adult trying to overcome the consequences of ill-fated choices, we all are attempting to overcome some deep-seated insecurity. To be a human being is to be insecure! My father was no different. He came from a world where men had to exemplify great physical and mental strength to gain the respect of not only other men, but women also. He became a master at understanding human nature by consistently studying the true motivation of human beings. He got so good at it that he had to be careful about the words he chose. One false move could crush a person's entire belief system. It would be easy to relegate these followers to mindless simpletons, but that would be a huge mistake. They were the same kind of people you meet every day. No one is immune from the influences of certain personalities. In fact, suffice to say that something or someone influences us all. If you think any differently, you are deluding yourself. The model car you drive, the house and location you live, the people you engage with and the church you attend, all stem from the ideals you've embraced based on some form of persuasion.
As I travel around the country and throughout the world spreading the gospel of charisma, largely from the lessons taught by my father, audiences consistently agree that style in many arenas has come to overtake substance. Maureen Orth in her book, The Importance of Becoming Famous…speaks about the Celebrity Industrial Complex. In her analysis, society has become enamored with the spectacle of celebrity and personality. It comes in two parts: the celebrity as the spectacle and the audience as hungry onlookers yearning for more. As the world continues to expand through the Internet and multi-media, the individual is becoming smaller and smaller. In fact, he is feeling smaller and smaller. Contrast this diminutive feeling with the human need for recognition and you see the emerging emotional gap. What will you do? How will you create the illusion of indispensability within your company? Are you considered the "go to" person?
You need charisma now more than ever to maintain your self-esteem as well as your livelihood. Unfortunately, saving yourself only becomes important when your back is against the wall. Guess what? Not only is your back against the wall, you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. To survive, you must become famous, indispensable and a master at maneuvering on the stage of life. Shakespeare said, "All the world's a stage and we're mere players." What part are you playing? And are you playing it well?
Related: Charisma
In retrospect, it was the result of a carefully cultivated personality, but moreover, it was a result of earlier experiences fraught with pain. Whether you are a child trying to fit in with peers or an adult trying to overcome the consequences of ill-fated choices, we all are attempting to overcome some deep-seated insecurity. To be a human being is to be insecure! My father was no different. He came from a world where men had to exemplify great physical and mental strength to gain the respect of not only other men, but women also. He became a master at understanding human nature by consistently studying the true motivation of human beings. He got so good at it that he had to be careful about the words he chose. One false move could crush a person's entire belief system. It would be easy to relegate these followers to mindless simpletons, but that would be a huge mistake. They were the same kind of people you meet every day. No one is immune from the influences of certain personalities. In fact, suffice to say that something or someone influences us all. If you think any differently, you are deluding yourself. The model car you drive, the house and location you live, the people you engage with and the church you attend, all stem from the ideals you've embraced based on some form of persuasion.
As I travel around the country and throughout the world spreading the gospel of charisma, largely from the lessons taught by my father, audiences consistently agree that style in many arenas has come to overtake substance. Maureen Orth in her book, The Importance of Becoming Famous…speaks about the Celebrity Industrial Complex. In her analysis, society has become enamored with the spectacle of celebrity and personality. It comes in two parts: the celebrity as the spectacle and the audience as hungry onlookers yearning for more. As the world continues to expand through the Internet and multi-media, the individual is becoming smaller and smaller. In fact, he is feeling smaller and smaller. Contrast this diminutive feeling with the human need for recognition and you see the emerging emotional gap. What will you do? How will you create the illusion of indispensability within your company? Are you considered the "go to" person?
You need charisma now more than ever to maintain your self-esteem as well as your livelihood. Unfortunately, saving yourself only becomes important when your back is against the wall. Guess what? Not only is your back against the wall, you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. To survive, you must become famous, indispensable and a master at maneuvering on the stage of life. Shakespeare said, "All the world's a stage and we're mere players." What part are you playing? And are you playing it well?
Related: Charisma
Monday, August 17, 2009
Building Charisma Through Confidence
It is safe to say that individuals who convey great charisma are extremely confident. They exude a self- assurance that transcends the challenges that ordinary people face. We all have track records where incidents occurred where we were uncertain about the outcome, which caused anxiety. The fact that we persevered, never giving into the fear of the unknown, created a pattern of confidence. This pattern of successes paved the way for greater confidence and eventually greater charisma. Catching the winning touchdown in football, scoring higher than anticipated on a standardized test and asking that extremely desirable person out on a date are all part of your track record for building confidence.
To be more confident and thus increase your charisma, it is imperative that you begin listing the major successes in your life. This is not an exercise merely to engage you in activity, but a reminder of what is necessary in gaining the charisma that you seek. One of the biggest maladies that individuals suffer from is amnesia. We often forget our successes opting to focus on the times when we experienced fear and setbacks. We can easily remember the times when things did not go our way, the times when we were disappointed for not performing at our peak level. Amazingly, our mind has a vivid memory of these shortcomings, but experience ambiguity when remembering our successes. The mind as a life preserver seeks to protect us from impending danger. Quite often, those closest to us, in their attempts to protect us, also influence us to be fearful. These messages do not come infrequently, but constantly. The difference between those who feel the fear and are debilitated by it and those who overcome it lie in their ability to act courageously. Thus feeling the fear and persisting in spite of it.
In mathematics, we learned that one plus one equals two. In the concepts that lead to great charisma, the equation is experience plus courage equals confidence. It takes courage to step away from mediocre thinking in creating the person you want to become. We are often plagued by childhood fears, which play out in our adulthood. Most often, we can trace any insecurity, inadequacy or fear to an experience that left an indelible mark in our minds. In coping with traumatic experiences, we push the negative experience deep into our psyche, which comes out in some form of behavior. Courage allows us to face our personal challenges and override the messages we have internalized as well as put situations that were out of our control into proper perspective. The charismatic person is not devoid of these experiences or more than human, but he or she has become proficient in dealing with internal and external challenges deliberately. It is this ability to be bold and courageous that increases their charisma. How many times have you heard a speaker, businessperson or facilitator reveal a personal experience that you felt you could not reveal to a room full of strangers? How did you feel about her candor? Under most situations, it drew you closer to her because she was allowing herself to become vulnerable. Western culture has a scattered viewpoint about sensitivity and vulnerability, because we mistrust the next person to act according to their higher selves and our best interest. Couple this with our unwillingness to take risks and remember past successes and we have the making of an individual who has handicapped herself from becoming charismatic.
The predominate reason you need confidence to become more charismatic is because you have to embrace vulnerability in order to connect with others to inspire them to act. Talk show host Oprah Winfrey is popular and is characterized as charismatic because she takes her audience through a range of emotions when sharing her vulnerabilities. Your inner strength increases by directly facing potentially embarrassing experiences without expending unnecessary energy on who might find out. Vulnerability allows you to take control from others and maintain it for yourself.
Related: Charisma
To be more confident and thus increase your charisma, it is imperative that you begin listing the major successes in your life. This is not an exercise merely to engage you in activity, but a reminder of what is necessary in gaining the charisma that you seek. One of the biggest maladies that individuals suffer from is amnesia. We often forget our successes opting to focus on the times when we experienced fear and setbacks. We can easily remember the times when things did not go our way, the times when we were disappointed for not performing at our peak level. Amazingly, our mind has a vivid memory of these shortcomings, but experience ambiguity when remembering our successes. The mind as a life preserver seeks to protect us from impending danger. Quite often, those closest to us, in their attempts to protect us, also influence us to be fearful. These messages do not come infrequently, but constantly. The difference between those who feel the fear and are debilitated by it and those who overcome it lie in their ability to act courageously. Thus feeling the fear and persisting in spite of it.
In mathematics, we learned that one plus one equals two. In the concepts that lead to great charisma, the equation is experience plus courage equals confidence. It takes courage to step away from mediocre thinking in creating the person you want to become. We are often plagued by childhood fears, which play out in our adulthood. Most often, we can trace any insecurity, inadequacy or fear to an experience that left an indelible mark in our minds. In coping with traumatic experiences, we push the negative experience deep into our psyche, which comes out in some form of behavior. Courage allows us to face our personal challenges and override the messages we have internalized as well as put situations that were out of our control into proper perspective. The charismatic person is not devoid of these experiences or more than human, but he or she has become proficient in dealing with internal and external challenges deliberately. It is this ability to be bold and courageous that increases their charisma. How many times have you heard a speaker, businessperson or facilitator reveal a personal experience that you felt you could not reveal to a room full of strangers? How did you feel about her candor? Under most situations, it drew you closer to her because she was allowing herself to become vulnerable. Western culture has a scattered viewpoint about sensitivity and vulnerability, because we mistrust the next person to act according to their higher selves and our best interest. Couple this with our unwillingness to take risks and remember past successes and we have the making of an individual who has handicapped herself from becoming charismatic.
The predominate reason you need confidence to become more charismatic is because you have to embrace vulnerability in order to connect with others to inspire them to act. Talk show host Oprah Winfrey is popular and is characterized as charismatic because she takes her audience through a range of emotions when sharing her vulnerabilities. Your inner strength increases by directly facing potentially embarrassing experiences without expending unnecessary energy on who might find out. Vulnerability allows you to take control from others and maintain it for yourself.
Related: Charisma
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Charisma - do you have it?
Charisma comes from the Greek root word, 'Charis', which means 'grace or gift'. The belief is that the gods breathe into you, a special spirit. Charisma is an energy that can have a positive effect, or a highly disruptive negative impact. It attracts jealousy, and in extreme cases even loathing, from those who don't have it. If it's resident as a spark, it can be fanned into a flame. If it's not there ' well, it isn't ever going to be!
I was talking about charisma on radio one night. Saying pretty much what I've said here. Someone called me on my mobile phone literally the minute I left the studio, to ask, 'Do you think I have charisma?' I obeyed the Eastern dictum of 'tell the truth in the way that commits least injury', and replied with a non-answer, along the lines of, 'Your patients love you ' you must have some charisma.' What went through my mind though, was that if as an adult, you have to phone someone to ask if you have charisma, the answer is pretty self-evident.
You may however, like my young goddaughter, be unaware that you have charisma. And like her, be sincerely amazed at the degree of competitiveness, antagonism or hostility your energy-shifting presence causes in some circles. When people are deeply conservative, intellectually or emotionally constrained and restrained, they will frequently, if not always, interpret the impact of your charisma as a negative, threatening, dislocating force.
Good leaders all have charisma. It's what attracts people to them. 'Spellbinding, enthralling, captivating, riveting', are words that are often used to describe a charismatic person. Repelling people is the occasional opposite and negative effect of charisma.
Charisma isn't necessarily explicit, loud, vibrant or visible. It may be a quiet, compelling force emanating from someone with unobtrusive behaviour, speech or mannerisms. I'm reminded of a worldwide ad agency group CEO, speaking to us years ago on a training program. His was such a quiet but compelling, presence. He spoke softly - sometimes so softly you almost had to strain to hear him. But you absolutely couldn't ' and didn't ' want to ignore him. Not because of his position, or power, but because of his presence.
Archbishop emeritus Desmond Tutu has it. Nelson Mandela's birth name reflected in advance that he would have it ' Rolihlala in isiXhosa, means 'he who stirs up trouble.' In this case of an extremely positive kind! 'Brother Leader', the quixotic and seriously daft Muammar Gaddafi, has it. Adolph Hitler had it in evil bucket loads. Clinton has it, Tony Blair hasn't. Maggie Thatcher has it, John Major doesn't. Golda Meir had it, Ariel Sharon doesn't. It's something that leaps out of your television set. Love 'em or hate 'em, you'll notice when they have it.
Tim Sikyea, a native Canadian medicine man, described the gift of healing being given to someone, like this: 'When you are given the gift of healing, the Wise Ones put a beetle in your stomach. The beetle feeds on the pain and suffering of other people. The day you stop feeding the beetle with the suffering of others, it starts to consume you.'
What we often see in charismatic individuals is that they forget the gift is in trust and for the benefit of others. Accompanying personal magnetism, comes great responsibility. When people use the force for self-adulation, the beetle starts its slow work. The gift will drive them mad, or it will become a force for evil. You will remember the medium, and miss the message.
If you're aware that you have charisma, treat it like a radioactive isotope that has been put in your trust - with respect and awareness of its power to heal or harm ' depending on how it is applied.
Charisma doesn't require good looks, height, a great voice or some other distinctive feature. It is its own driving force ' independent of other attributes, which often have to function in concert, to have an impact.
Many organizations and corporates pay lip service to respect for diversity. But it's almost a given, that the day someone with charisma walks through the door, the organization will mount an 'immune system response'. It sets out to crush or kill the 'invading' foreign organism or bacterium, overwhelm it, and pull it into line with 'normal' cellular function. It takes deeply insightful leaders to accept and nurture charismatic employees. Most commonly the charismatic ones give up the fight against mediocrity, and go off and do their own thing.
About the author: Clive is a marketing and communications strategist. He helps people and organizations make sustainable change. http://www.imbizo.com
Author: Clive Simpkins
Related: Charisma
I was talking about charisma on radio one night. Saying pretty much what I've said here. Someone called me on my mobile phone literally the minute I left the studio, to ask, 'Do you think I have charisma?' I obeyed the Eastern dictum of 'tell the truth in the way that commits least injury', and replied with a non-answer, along the lines of, 'Your patients love you ' you must have some charisma.' What went through my mind though, was that if as an adult, you have to phone someone to ask if you have charisma, the answer is pretty self-evident.
You may however, like my young goddaughter, be unaware that you have charisma. And like her, be sincerely amazed at the degree of competitiveness, antagonism or hostility your energy-shifting presence causes in some circles. When people are deeply conservative, intellectually or emotionally constrained and restrained, they will frequently, if not always, interpret the impact of your charisma as a negative, threatening, dislocating force.
Good leaders all have charisma. It's what attracts people to them. 'Spellbinding, enthralling, captivating, riveting', are words that are often used to describe a charismatic person. Repelling people is the occasional opposite and negative effect of charisma.
Charisma isn't necessarily explicit, loud, vibrant or visible. It may be a quiet, compelling force emanating from someone with unobtrusive behaviour, speech or mannerisms. I'm reminded of a worldwide ad agency group CEO, speaking to us years ago on a training program. His was such a quiet but compelling, presence. He spoke softly - sometimes so softly you almost had to strain to hear him. But you absolutely couldn't ' and didn't ' want to ignore him. Not because of his position, or power, but because of his presence.
Archbishop emeritus Desmond Tutu has it. Nelson Mandela's birth name reflected in advance that he would have it ' Rolihlala in isiXhosa, means 'he who stirs up trouble.' In this case of an extremely positive kind! 'Brother Leader', the quixotic and seriously daft Muammar Gaddafi, has it. Adolph Hitler had it in evil bucket loads. Clinton has it, Tony Blair hasn't. Maggie Thatcher has it, John Major doesn't. Golda Meir had it, Ariel Sharon doesn't. It's something that leaps out of your television set. Love 'em or hate 'em, you'll notice when they have it.
Tim Sikyea, a native Canadian medicine man, described the gift of healing being given to someone, like this: 'When you are given the gift of healing, the Wise Ones put a beetle in your stomach. The beetle feeds on the pain and suffering of other people. The day you stop feeding the beetle with the suffering of others, it starts to consume you.'
What we often see in charismatic individuals is that they forget the gift is in trust and for the benefit of others. Accompanying personal magnetism, comes great responsibility. When people use the force for self-adulation, the beetle starts its slow work. The gift will drive them mad, or it will become a force for evil. You will remember the medium, and miss the message.
If you're aware that you have charisma, treat it like a radioactive isotope that has been put in your trust - with respect and awareness of its power to heal or harm ' depending on how it is applied.
Charisma doesn't require good looks, height, a great voice or some other distinctive feature. It is its own driving force ' independent of other attributes, which often have to function in concert, to have an impact.
Many organizations and corporates pay lip service to respect for diversity. But it's almost a given, that the day someone with charisma walks through the door, the organization will mount an 'immune system response'. It sets out to crush or kill the 'invading' foreign organism or bacterium, overwhelm it, and pull it into line with 'normal' cellular function. It takes deeply insightful leaders to accept and nurture charismatic employees. Most commonly the charismatic ones give up the fight against mediocrity, and go off and do their own thing.
About the author: Clive is a marketing and communications strategist. He helps people and organizations make sustainable change. http://www.imbizo.com
Author: Clive Simpkins
Related: Charisma
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Is the Price Right?
I want to put to rest the mistaken virtues of a balanced life. The illusory life of everything completed, everyone is happy and you make the most of multi-tasking with countless "balls in the air". Every self-help book, consultant and yoga guru speaks about the means of de-stressing and finding a balanced life. Faced with the many challenges life throws our way, we are on a relentless quest to have it both ways. We want material success and security and yet put our focus and energy in places farthest from our goals. Proponents of the "you can have it all" school of thought rarely stop to count the cost for the desirable things in life. Every endeavor comes with a price on the front end and has a downside. The professional skills that necessitate climbing corporate ladders and founding great institutions, do not lend themselves to warm, caring, loving parenting skills. James Allen said, "A man is what he thinks about all day." Loosely translated, you get out of life what you focus on most intensely. How can you be great at a thing with unfocused attention? Multi-taskers boast about being able to juggle several projects at once claiming victory for its success. However, where is the success? Can you claim that you have achieved a level of excellence? Of course, you can't!
Since the dawn of humanity, every accomplishment, contribution or great feat occurred through a heavy price and great sacrifice. There is no balance associated with focused attention. By its very nature, it is slanted towards the object of its affection. The price for a focused endeavor requires time, resources and at time-friendships, whether it is building empires or being a supportive parent. Decide what you want and stick to the plan. In addition, most of all pay the whole price without complaint.
Ultimately, focus on the things you want and pay minimal attention at attempting to be all things to everybody. The selfishness of individuals is endless and you invariably lose yourself in the process. Even if you could have it all, you can't have it at the same time. Every choice comes with a price.
Related: Charisma
Since the dawn of humanity, every accomplishment, contribution or great feat occurred through a heavy price and great sacrifice. There is no balance associated with focused attention. By its very nature, it is slanted towards the object of its affection. The price for a focused endeavor requires time, resources and at time-friendships, whether it is building empires or being a supportive parent. Decide what you want and stick to the plan. In addition, most of all pay the whole price without complaint.
Ultimately, focus on the things you want and pay minimal attention at attempting to be all things to everybody. The selfishness of individuals is endless and you invariably lose yourself in the process. Even if you could have it all, you can't have it at the same time. Every choice comes with a price.
Related: Charisma
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